A devastating account of a mother’s loss doubles as a universal meditation on the human compulsion to cling on to the past in a pop single that mixes ecstasy and agony in a way no other song has before or since.
Slipping Through My Fingers is twice as old as me, and yet, unlike any song released before my birth – or really any song released before 2015, for that matter – it stirs something deep within my soul. It’s had a modest renaissance other the last year after Declan McKenna, an indie rock figurehead of my own generation, released a tasteful if unspectacular cover of the track, which somehow remains his second most popular song on Spotify. It’s obvious in McKenna’s tender, wavering vocals that this song means as much to him as it does to me, and yet on paper our adoration of it makes no sense. We should be reaching for remix-ripe disco hits like Gimme Gimme Gimme or TikTok-able snippets like Angeleyes’s chorus or Chiquitita’s outro, not a ballad told unambiguously from the perspective of a Swedish mother in her thirties. Presumably like McKenna, I cannot directly relate to experiencing your child leaving home – on to school, university, or marriage – for the first time, although I have played the “absent-minded schoolgirl” in my own departure to university, and have watched my parents process some of Agnetha Fältskog’s pain in real life.
But the daughter (now 51-year-old Lena Ulvaeus) is far from the only thing slipping away in this pop masterpiece. Add a comma (“Slipping through my fingers, all the time”) and suddenly time, not the daughter, is the song’s principal subject. “It’s okay, we have time,” Donna reassures Sophie moments before STMF begins in Mamma Mia!, but really she’s fooling herself – STMF primarily deals with the disturbing mystery of time’s “funny tricks”. How can a lifelong bond between mother and daughter suddenly be a thing of the past without warning? Even when it feels like there are some things, love perhaps, that can make time stand still, why do memories inevitably fade, and joy revert to a sort of distanced numbness? Why is time so slippery? “Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture,” the narrator admits in the song’s only dud lyric (pictures are, by definition, already frozen), a line that only makes proper sense when heard over that spine-tingling melody and Anni-Frid Lyngstad’s shrill vocal harmonies.
What’s most poignant about STMF, however, is how the mother mourns the idea that she might one day know her daughter entirely. “Each time I think I’m close to knowing, she keeps on growing,” she reflects beautifully. It’s a line imbued with equal parts melancholy and hope – ‘knowing’ her daughter may be forever just out of reach for the narrator, but what a gift it is to have a daughter so nebulous, so unfathomably special that she just “keeps on growing”. In the song’s moving rendition in Mamma Mia!, for a while Donna sings to Sophie’s back, the latter blissfully unaware of her mother’s agony as she preens herself in the mirror. “Do I really see what’s in her mind?” Donna mirrors back. To love is to know one another on the deepest possible level, but STMF comes to terms with the fact that we can never really “know” each other. The daughter will always have surprises for her mother, and indeed the mother hardly even knows herself, ending a verse with “And why? I just don’t know”. Such mysteries are the beauty of living.
That aching emotion you can hear in the music alone – the pull from major immediately to minor in the first two chords, the way a rising, major-chord bridge somehow sounds utterly desolate – perfectly complements the core of STMF’s exquisite tragedy: the mother mourns her daughter, but she must let her go. Crucially, the daughter is not simply leaving – the mother is actively letting her go, having come to the painful conclusion that her sorrow is the unavoidable cost of her daughter’s freedom. “Will you give me away?” Sophie asks, referring to her wedding, still just about young enough to act on her mother’s advice. Donna swallows a yes and nods. She lets her daughter go out of love, and yet weeps as a result of that same, heart-wrenching love.
On top of all that tragedy is a certain world-weariness in ABBA’s swooping melodies and plodding drum groove. This is, after all, a “well-known sadness” and an “old, melancholy feeling”. Has the narrator felt pain this before? Perhaps this agonising dilemma – whether to hold on to the past in vain, or to let go and mourn – is an integral part of human condition? We all have a compulsion to cling on to what we know, and yet the universe transpires to forever keep changing against our will in ways both subtle and profound.
Remarkably, despite the specificity of the lyrics, STMF succeeds (like all the best pop songs) in being readily malleable into whatever meaning the listener sees fit. Whilst traveling this summer, I found myself overlooking the tragedy and reading into the song’s ample euphoria. I took it as a reminder that this moment, in all it’s thrillingly novel glory – navigating towards a sparkling Eiffel Tower at night, summitting a rugged peak alone in the Bosnian mountains, watching the sunset from a boat on the Bosphorus – is of course only transient. In fact, it’s precisely that transience that makes those moments so special. After I arrived home, I found STMF morphed into a rallying cry for a return to that trip’s whole-hearted spirit of adventure and personal development. “What happened to the wonderful adventures?” Fältskog muses, and I hear a call to snap out of all my obsessing over tricky coursework or a patch of unhappiness and remind myself that this too is an adventure and, like the daughter, I will “keep on growing”.
Tellingly, STMF ends completely unresolved. Fältskog returns to the first verse having apparently learnt little from her revelations about love and loss, and the daughter finally waves goodbye, leaving only the sounds of a clock quietly ticking in the background. The mother doesn’t know what comes next for her daughter, and in fact she can’t know; this is not her story to tell any more. The daughter will continue to grow. Perhaps she will become a mother herself, or maybe she’ll find cause to run back to her mother for a spell, temporarily reigniting those wonderful adventures. But without any doubt, at some point along the way, the daughter will feel the full weight of her mother’s thoroughly human dilemma: to hold on, or to let go. In ways big and small, this is a question we all must tackle over and over in our lives. Long may Slipping Through My Fingers keep me asking it.